idk

Written on: 6-23-2025

everything hurts and i am so confused. i feel lost. you have moved on and i have to force myself everyday to not reach out. it is so hard. i love you so much and i dont know if i can keep doing this. i just want to stop hurting so much. i just want to see you and hear your voice. i want you to still care about me. I am trying to keep it together but so much reminds me of you. i love you jenny, please reach out to me.

Ramen

Written on: 4-02-2025

I got to hang out with you today. It was really nice. I was really overwhelmed the entire time but like also relaxed idrk. There were so many times I wanted to hold your hand or hug you. I knew I couldn't so I didn't, but still. I wish we ate together but I won't be greedy, I am just happy to spend any amount of time with you. I hope this builds to us spending more time if you're comfortable with that. My dream is that you reach out and ask to do something. I also think it is a good sign that you liked the presents. I am feeling good. I have been working on a new poem about the ring you gave me. I keep writing and deleting and writing and deleting. I feel like I am close to getting it to describe a really nice feeling I get from you. I want it to be perfect so I am struggling to finish it. Hopefully some inspiration will strike this weekend and I can finish it. It's gonna be like 4 days until I see you again. Not really excited about that, but there is a lot for me to do in the meantime. I am gonna study a lot tonight and tomorrow for systems and controls. That way if you ever have a question or need help when exam prepping then I can help you out. Maybe I can try and cook one of your old recipes. I also need to go shopping for some more of your graduation present. Honestly, I feel like when I give it to you that that could be one of the last times I see you. So I gotta make it good. I am doing good, I know I am. I hope you are as well. I really hope we end up together, I want to prove to you how amazing I can be. I was really fixated on your hair and your perfume today. It's like your perfume intoxicates me and I start to drift away into fantasy. Then your hair moves across your body and face, the movement and shine brings me back to reality and I am staring at you. I see the hair settle into place and the gentle curves of your face. Your eyes look across the room and settle on mine. Your cheeks are a little red and your eyelashes are smooth and long. Parts of your bangs go in every which way. your lips are a perfect shade and I can see that they're soft. Then they slowly open to show beautiful white teeth. You start to talk to me and say something like "What???" and then i realize I was creepily staring at you in class and I need to focus. Tonight when I go to sleep I hope in my dreams to relive this, but maybe instead of that ending you lean over and kiss my cheek. Then we leave holding hands and walk and talk until we have said everything we can think of and our stomachs hurt from laughing I love you so much Jenny, I promise that I am here for you, if you need or want anything please just reach out.

Things to Think About

Written on: 3-31-2025

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I gave you the stuff i made and wrote. I feel almost embarrassed. Especially about the drawings, the more I think about it the more I wonder if they aren't good. I tried really hard and I am proud of them, but maybe from your perspective it is just weird. Also I think i rambled too much in my letter. There was just so much I wanted to tell you and it is so hard for me to try and get my point across. I just love you so much! I need you to know it. I was already expecting you to say that you didn't want me to come over, but just in case I got dressed up and did my hair and stuff. Maybe I will put the pictures in memories idk. I just hope you like and appreciate it. I am starting to worry and feel bad that I am not respecting your privacy and the space you are wanting. It is so hard because I just want to be able to communicate all of these thoughts and emotions to you. I am being selfish. I need to understand that you aren't going to compromise and that this is the boundary you set. I will stop and respect it. That is why I have this website. To put out into the world all of my thoughts and feelings and it feels almost as if I am talking to you when I do it. That's why my writing has become so relaxed and conversation like. Doing things like this are probably making it harder on her and that is the complete opposite of what I want. I really need to think more about this and evaluate how maybe some of my actions, even though rooted in love, could be actually damaging to her. I wish I had realized this sooner. I am sorry Jenny. I am going to go to the gym and work through some of my thoughts. I love you and if you ever need anything just reach out.

Answers

Written on: 3-28-2025

I think I got the answer to a lot of my questions last night. I called and reached out when I needed you and it was ignored. Then later your sugar was really low and so I tried to wake you. You declined the call and ignored my message. I noticed you unfollowed me on Instagram as well. I'm not angry or anything, if that's your boundary and what you want then ok. I think I need to stop. This writing to you, the constant thinking about you, the overanalyzing, just everything. I will keep working on myself, but its becoming clear to me that you just wanna move on and I'm sure all of this makes it harder on you. I love you so much and I really will always love you, but if I keep thinking about you and feeling like this everyday I will end up destroying myself. I am improving more and more each day and I'm sure in the back of my mind I will be wanting you to come back, but I know it will never come. I am so sorry for everything. I really hope that you achieve everything you are working hard to accomplish. I love you and will be there if you need me.

Sleep and Bad Dreams

Written on: 3-27-2025

I haven't written in a couple days. I feel like I lost my words. Class was difficult. You asked if i was ok which was nice, I said I was fine when I wasn't. I don't know why I did that. I guess I just didn't wanna complain about the stuff that was obviously wrong. I miss you and I feel like I am breaking down. On Tuesday I want to Lake Lewisville. I sat in my car by the water for several hours. I spent half the day just staring out and thinking. Things are only getting worse and everyday we get closer and closer to your graduation. We don't text anymore so if it wasn't for classes we would never see each other. It feels like I have about a month where you will still be in my life. Then after that I will only see you through my phone screen. I wish I could just sleep. I wake up every couple hours. I used to be comforted by my dreams, but the last couple days that has changed. I have memorized just about every picture in my phone. I got to the point where I am driving myself crazy trying to draw you so that I can see something new. I am just so tired. I want to fall asleep in your arms. It just feels so one sided. If I stopped everything would you reach out to me? Do you love me or just feel bad for me? I am struggling to know what to do to fix us. I just want you, and I know I am going to lose you. I go to the gym, I go outside, I try to get good sleep, I eat well. All the tips and tricks to be happy failed. I am going to try and go to sleep and hopefully this is all a terrible nightmare. When I wake up we will be in love and together. I will take you out and get you anything you want. I will make you laugh and I will hold your hand. We will sing in the car and play the license plate game. Do all the things we talked about. I love you so much jenny I hope I see you when I wake up.

After Seeing You

Written on: 3-24-2025

I was really nervous this morning seeing you. I lightened up and joking around was the most fun I have had in a long time. I really thought that you may not talk or look or interact with me. I am happy that is not the case. La La Land made me sad in class. It reminded me of us. Seeing her move on and start a family parallels my fears of you moving on without me. The sequence inside his mind when he imagines them working out was really beautiful. It is something I do a lot. I loved how you opened up to me about issues you are having with your family. It made me feel like you still trust me to some degree and can use me to vent about your issues. Although I still get feelings like you are slowly moving on and perhaps leaving me in the past. I don’t sense the same feelings I have from you. This nervousness, the yearning, it was so hard not to just reach out and hug you or hold your hand. I think it really hit home when you said you hadn’t checked the website since Tuesday. Almost a week. I go back and forth on saying if i want you to read all of this but truthfully I do. I think I want you to want to know what goes on in my head, what I am doing, what I am feeling. Checking this website out is how you would do that. Going a week without thinking about it is something I could never do. Maybe I am just looking too much into it. Maybe you just don’t wanna be distracted by feelings for me and you want to focus on yourself. I still don’t know why we can’t work on ourselves while being together. It hurts a lot right now. Seeing you walk away into your meeting was hard. There is so much I want us to say and do that I feel like I am losing time. One life with you is already not enough time and now because of me I have wasted almost a year. I thought about waiting around till your meeting was done, but I figured you might not like that. I offered dinner even though I know you’d say no. I don’t know why I do that. I guess I just have hope that one day you’ll say yes and then keep on saying yes, I know it’s foolish. You looked so pretty today and smelled so good. I will be thinking about that until I see you again on Wednesday. I hope tonight you hug me in my dreams. I will always love you and have you on my mind, if you need me I will be there to help you.

Morning Thoughts

Written on: 3-24-2025

It’s nice being back at school. I have your blanket up here and the scarf still smells like your perfume. I still want to get a bottle of your perfume. Sometimes I hope you don’t read this stuff anymore because I think I come off as weird or creepy. You said you were sick. It made me worried. I thought of sending you food like maybe a soup or bringing you ramen. You’re probably happy I didn’t. I wish I could be there to take care of you. You took good care of me. I’d given anything to have that back. I think I feel alone. I don’t really expose myself to anyone. Except you. I don’t know why I am the way that I am. Sometimes I really hate it. It’s not that oh I want more friends or I want to be outgoing or whatever. I just want you. You are my world and without you I feel like an empty shell. I’m working hard to be better for you. Perhaps some people might see that as bad but I really don’t. I think that’s how it should be when you love someone. I love you so much that without you in my life it’s hard to breathe. I get nightmares. Food isn’t as good. Jokes aren’t as funny. Everything seems darker. The scent of your perfume is the only thing that smells good. It’s hard to get out of bed. My body aches for you. There are moments where my stomach is twisting and so full of pain that I just want to curl up in the dark. I love you and I love you and I miss you and I love you and I’ll give you anything you want. I know I can make you happy and I know I can be better. I know you’re working on your own stuff and that you need time. I feel like we can do it together but if you don’t then it’s ok. In the end it’ll all be worth it when we are together again. I love you so much I know I can do this. I love you Jenny if you need me I will be there to help always.

Thinkin and Workin

Written on: 3-23-2025

Today was a better day. I was really sick last night. I don't know if i was physically unwell and that made me mentally down or vice versa. I did have a bad fever and a hard time eating. I woke up feeling great though. I headed back to school this morning and the drive was pretty. I sang a lot of songs and destroyed you in the license plate game, skittles, and the abc game. I even saw an Alaska plate so you had no chance. Although in my head i let you get a couple. When I got back home I started doing laundry and finished my part of the report. I was really excited when I saw you message but pretty disappointed when it was just about school. Through talking about the report I get the sense you don't wanna be talking to me. I get it, maybe im in my head, but I wouldn't be surprised if its true. I guess we will find out tomorrow. I went to the gym which was nice and ate a lot of food. I was starving all day because I ate so little yesterday. Carson, my buddy from Utah, invited me to his wedding. Its this summer in California. I instantly thought about how nice it would be for us to go together. I know its not gonna happen but still I can dream. I was able to laugh at some videos today which was nice, I was truly laughing which I don't think has happened since we last hung out. I catch myself getting annoyed by dumb things. Like when you sent a message on discord you @ the other guy first. I quickly laughed at myself but I do wonder if it was deliberate. I miss having matching profile pictures. Every once in awhile I think about changing it, but I really don't want to. I think I was really hurt by how quickly you got rid of everything. I wonder if you still where my shirt, read my letters, or cuddle the stuffed animals I got you. Also if you do still check the website and are reading this please let me know if you do wanna go to the wedding because I need to buy tickets. You'll get to see me in a suit which would be cool. I won't let myself get my hopes up too much, but I will secretly be wishing you come. Also if things do go differently and you just wanna move on and forget about me can I have my shirt back? idk i go back and forth on if i want you to keep it or not. I guess if you are ever gonna throw it away please don't and just return it. Although if you want to keep it forever then I would like that. I also have been thinking a lot about tomorrow. I think about how in systems (if you go) if you'll just look at me like I am a stranger. It does no good thinking about it so much, I will just wait and see. I do debate on if I should even glance back at you. It will be so hard not to, but maybe that's the best thing to do for you. It's kinda like Orpheus and Eurydice. I just gotta wait and see I guess. Learning patience is hard. I love you so so so so much and I dream of you always if you ever need anything I will always be here for you no matter what.

Bad Day

Written on: 3-22-2025

Today was a really bad day. Everthing hurts and i just miss you. Living without you is hard. I know all of this is my fault and I deserve whatever punishment I am given. It is just hard and I am tired. I can't think or eat. I just miss you. I love you and hope you reach out if you need me.

Simple Day

Written on: 3-21-2025

Woke up early and went fishing with my dad. It was nice and relaxing got some breakfast as well. We didn’t talk much but it was still good. Finished some work in the garage. Had some drinks with my dad and talked about you and he told me about some of his early loves before my mom. I think he’s worried about me. The conversation was good but I’ve already been feeling ok with everything. I know what I gotta do and now it’s just about putting the work in and time. I hope you’ve been having fun with family and are figuring things out. I’m gonna go four wheeling tomorrow, I had so much fun last time we went. Depending on how long we are out I might even try to head back to school tomorrow. If not then Sunday morning. I’m gonna miss Watson he loved being with me by the hammock. I can’t help but think about school on Monday. I wonder if you’ll talk to me. I don’t have too much to say I guess which feels weird because it feels like there is so much I wanna say. Whenever I drive I usually think of some poems so maybe I will have something then. I love you more and more each day, just let me know if you need anything, I will always be here for you.

Tough Day

Written on: 3-20-2025

Today was a bit tougher. I planted a weeping willow and some other trees. I hurt my shoulder tho and my mom is going through a tough time. She yelled at me for a bit today. It got to me for a little but I sat outside on the swing and kinda talked to you in my head. It helped. I wish you were here. I don’t feel like writing too much so I think I’ll just end it here. I got some more poems done hopefully you like them. Oh I also have been watching the tiktoks we made, you look so happy and i miss Oliver. I love you and just reach out if you need me.

More Ramblings

Written on: 3-19-2025

Today was cloudier then I expected. I still setup the hammock and spend almost the entire day on it. For moments the sun would shine through and it felt nice, I heard lots of birds and the wind would come and push my entire body to the side and when it lets up I’d swing back and forth gently. I got a lot of progress on my book, which was nice. Watson would lay underneath my hammock and I could see him through the fabric. I set it up between the tress next to the swing. In one of the trees I could see a bird nest and I spent awhile starring at the bird inside. He was so still and was there for hours. When I came back from making lunch he was gone and while I didnt see him fly back I noticed he was there around 2. I got some nice pictures of him and spent awhile admiring. Most of my morning in the hammock I was between sleeping and looking at the bird. Then after lunch I spent a couple hours reading. I think tomorrow I’ll fish in the morning and then spend the afternoon finishing my book in the hammock. I’d love for you to be here to. There is enough room for both of us. I feel relaxed which is weird. I don’t know the last time I felt relaxed without being with you. I don’t really feel happy but more content or satisfied? Idrk I’ll spend more time thinking about the right word. I asked David about hanging out and he responded (3 days later) “I’m cooked” and never sent anything else. So I don’t think I’ll be hanging out with him. I feel a little obligated to go see Shelby but I’m enjoying the isolation and I can go most of my day without talking to anyone. It’s like I’m getting an actual break, one where I am getting a true rest. Hopefully it’ll help for when I get back to school. I wonder what it will be like seeing you again. I don’t think it’ll be awkward. I feel like my improvement has stuck but I guess I worry that maybe I see you and it’ll all come back. I don’t think it will though. I realize more and more that I gotta just do what I can control, I’ll work on myself and you’ll do whatever it is you feel you need to do. I’m here if you need me but if you don’t you don’t. Only time will tell if it works out. I hope you’re doing good and that you find whatever you’re looking for. I still love you and will always have your best interest in mind. I do need to figure out what to do with the other presents for you I was working on. It feels weird to through them away but it doesn’t really make sense to finish them. I think I’ll just get rid of them (they weren’t that far along) and then keep them in mind in case things work out in the future. Then I can make a better version. Wow the clouds are gone now and the sun is out. I think I’m gonna take another nap and then go to the river to fish tonight. My dad came home and we gotta finish the remodel on the bathroom so I’ll be doing that tonight. He took off work tomorrow and said we’d go out fishing tomorrow if we get everything done. I’ve been eating good and working out consistently so don’t worry about if I’m taking care of myself, I promise I am. I hope you are too, I’ll be dreaming about your mom’s enchiladas or some of your elote. I had a weird dream when I took a nap on the hammock earlier. I dreamt I had woken up out there in the middle of the night and that there was an alligator underneath me. When I got up to go in it attacked and I had to wrestle it. Then the news came and I had to do an interview but I started talking about how I did it for Jenny and she gave me strength and then I made a long plea for us to get back together. Hopefully you find that funny, I’m not gonna look into it for any deeper meanings. Although I wonder if something like that would work. Don’t worry I won’t go looking for gators to fight. It’s kinda weird, I don’t feel anxious and so my stomach feels weird being so calm. It’s like I’m not used to not having these constant feelings that I’m twisting and turning. It’s hard to update the picture slides from here cause I don’t have my computer but I’ll try to figure out a way. It’s not a memory but I wanted to put in the picture of some fish I catch or the turtles I saw or maybe the bird in its nest. I was also thinking of putting that picture of you and peanut sleeping on there. It’s such a funny picture and I miss seeing peanut. The other one would probably be the one of you at the aquarium with the blue light from the water is on your face, you’re wearing all white and have little bows in your hair. You look breathtaking and your outfit is so stylish and cute. Looking at it makes me want to hug you. That was a fun date and the stingrays were so cool. I was thinking about it because the present I was working on had to do with stingrays. I hope you’re thinking about me. I might feel silly if this is so one sided. I love you and let me know if you need anything!

Ramblings

Written on: 3-18-2025

I went fishing the other day, caught 2 really nice bluegill. The water was filled with turtles and I was so worried I’d snag one with my hook. I’d walk along the bank and see them swimming together and slowly fade away into the murky water. I saw a movie today, Novocain, it was really funny and I think you’d like it. There were some lines I liked about love that resonated with me. I’ll let you watch it and see if you can figure out which ones. It’s been a good day, I’m not as nervous anymore and while I didn’t get really happy I didn’t get really sad. I think I’ve cried about all I can and maybe now I’ve worried about all I can as well. Maybe it needs to recharge and in a couple days I’ll be write back where I was. I don’t think so though, I feel like I just understand it’ll take you some time. I’m starting to accept that you might just move on for good. That would be terrible but I understand it my fault. I just want you to be happy, selfishly I want it to be with me, but you being happy at all is the goal. I’ve been thinking back on our call yesterday. I don’t know for sure but I thought you were wearing my shirt. I probably imagined it but I hope you were. I also think about the bracelet and all the other stuff I’ve given you. Do you still use? Will you keep it? Or does it not even make you think of me? I hope you still cuddle the dog. I’ve been holding nugget every night and I think he helps. I didn’t have any nightmares last night which was really surprising. I also think back to how you said “I’m still not making the right decisions” I wonder what decision you’re referencing. Honestly in my head I thought you had been talking to some guy and maybe you thought that was a bad decision or it didn’t work out or something. I also was confused because before the break we were flirting a lot in text, you had sent kissy faces and blushing emojis, but then after you spent the weekend with your friends everything really changed. I think I’m just paranoid, you promised nothing would happen and I also couldn’t see you talking to someone so quickly, that not you. I trust you. Not that it really matters anyway, it’s not my place so I’m trying not to let it bother me and today it really didn’t. The weather is gonna be nice tomorrow, I plan to spend the day laying in my backyard. I am gonna bring a blanket by the swing and then when I get bored I’ll set up the hammock in that cove of trees. I got two books to finish over break and want 1 of them done tomorrow. It’ll be a great day I think. I wonder if you’ll still want to watch the final episode of severance together. You did pinky promise but I think it would be ok for you to break this one. Even though I don’t want you to. I hope you’re doing good and healing. I bet peanut helps. I love you and if you’re reading this just know I’m always here for you (: P.S. I got a 100 on my essay for AMS I think you’d be proud of me ^-^ I’m sure you got a 100 as well and I’m proud of you as well

I Understand

Written on: 3-18-2025

I hope you’re doing ok. Yesterday I was really hurt when I was there crying and you were just plucking your eyebrows. It felt like you didn’t care. I thought about it more though, and I think you just needed to distract yourself maybe. I know you care and I know you’re going through a really tough time right now. I feel terrible that you’re hurting and I just want to make you feel better. If me not reaching out does that then that’s what I’ll do. I know it’s gonna hurt but I need to put your first. No matter what I’ll keep working on myself and doing everything I can so I can provide the life for you I dream of. I’ll keep waiting until you’re ready. I just love you so much and if this is what it takes then it’s what I’ll do.

Thoughts

Written on: 3-17-2025

I wanna hear your laugh. I wish I had taken more videos of us. I miss you so much and I worry about you all the time. I want you to reach out to me and want me the same way. I get why you don’t and I can’t blame you for anything. I know how I feel and I know it could work. I want it to so badly. It’s like I’m being haunted. When I’m outside it feels like you’re around me. Your touch is so similar to the warmth of the sun and when the wind blows I can almost hear you. Sometimes I think I see you. It’s like the image of you is burned into my eyes. I can feel my heart reaching out to you. I close my eyes and it’s as if my chest is pulled towards you. I want to talk to you so badly and I wanna know what you did the last couple days. I’m curious about your post and I just want you to want me. I feel like I’m dying and it gets so hard to breathe. It’s to the point where I feel like you just want to move on from me but you also don’t want to hurt me so everything I’m doing is just a nuisance to you. I’ll try and stop pushing so hard and see what happens.

Thoughts

Written on: 3-15-2025

I’m laying here with nuggets and I feel like I smell your perfume still. The writing has worn off the tag. I hold the ring in my hands. I rub my thumb around it. All of these little scratches and marks. It’s left an imprint on my finger. The imprint would last for weeks without the ring. My stomach hurts. It’s twisting around and I feel as if I’ll snap in two. I wonder if you’ll check this site again. How often? Do you think about when I’ll update it? Do you wish it wasn’t created? I feel like I’m disconnected from your thoughts. I keep needing to distract myself, I’ll read, I’ll workout, I’ll watch tv, but in the back of my mind I am only thinking about you. I can’t stop it. You’re in all of my dreams. In one of my dreams last night I was checking your instagram and saw that you got the tattoo you wanted and a couple more. I was really sad about it. I wondered why I found out through insta and not in person. You would think in my dreams I would be with you the entire time. I think it’s apart of my feelings of being disconnected from you. Im gonna try to sleep more I think

What I Must Do

Written on: 3-4-2025

In an ocean of voices. Voices giving their bad advice. Moments feel like drowning. Moments feel like I’m being risen by god. I know what I must do. Even as their voices try to pull me deeper I know what I must do. I swim hard. Rising further than I’ve fallen. Falling again but rising still. As the cold slows my body. As the weight of the water pulls against me. I have a picture in my mind. A scene of the night sky. With stars making out your face. It guides me. Shines through all the voices. I know what I must do. I must get to you. I will fight through this ocean to get to the world in which you are next to me. Whether you reach into the waters and help or you sit by the beach waiting. I know what I must do.